A Truly Dark Game
by Digga Dominus
When setting the scenes of an enemies’ habitat — common to many fantasy RPG worlds — it’s important to really wow the players who are often veterans of many dark campaigns. Torture chambers are done. Corpses on pikes are played. Another gate to the unspeakable bowels of hell? Yawn.
Narrate your players rounding a corner of some orc/goblin/hobgoblin/feral culture we’re justified-in-destroying lair and show them an exciting pastime of evil creatures, and simultaneously reveal the source of such seemingly innate depravity: Baby Battles!
Toddler Tournament Mini-game for 4th edition.
Wranglers or parents are in charge of toddlers – their mentors, trainers and owners. They drink, yell instructions to the kids, place bets and often fight with spectators or other wranglers – serving as role models to their charges.
Toddlers have much fewer options in combat because of their young age and lack of training. They have the basic array of action choices – Standard, Move and Minor – but can’t pull off any maneuvers save those detailed below. These young battlers roll a d6 instead of a d20 because really there‘s not a lot a variety in their tactics or capabilities. Natural sixes can‘t result in a critical hit – let‘s not be ridiculous.
Their level is determined by their age in months past 11 months. So, a 15 month old is a level 4 toddler and adds 2 (half level) to their rolls. At 24 months, they become kids, and you’ll need to create a new system for kid fighting. Any roll versus an older-than-toddler target uses zero as the level modifier.
Distribute 5 points between four core ability statistics to determine their modifiers:
Hitty – The amount of pain a toddler can dish out to another. Roll this stat (1d6 + half level + Hitty modifier) versus the target’s Quickness defense (3 + half level + Quickness modifier) to determine if they hit. If Hitty beats Quickness, compare the roll to the target’s Hardheaded defense ( 3 + half level + Hardheaded modifier). If beaten, the target receives an Owie. After a toddler gets three Owies, they’re out of the fight and may be removed from the pen and consoled – or punished – by their wrangler/parent.
Hardheaded – The willfulness of a toddler is reflected in this stat. Hardheaded defense must be beaten by Hitty rolls to cause Owies and Loudness rolls to scold. This modifier adds to the DC of a wrangler’s
Quickness – Speed of toddling and comprehension. Roll this to determine initiative. Roll opposed Quickness to determine if the aggressor can close with their target. If the target isn’t fleeing, they close automatically. Quickness defense is the DC a Hitty roll must beat to hit.
This is also a measure of how responsive a toddler is to instruction from their wrangler. Quickness can be rolled versus a flat difficulty that varies directly with the complexity of their command. Add the toddler’s Hardheaded modifier to this DC. “Pulls his ears!“ may be DC 5, while “Put’em in a Crucifix hold!“ could have a DC of 15. The toddler gets a +1 to their Hitty rolls if they beat the DC. The bonus applies during their turn. A wrangler can make one command at the start of a toddler’s turn.
Loudness – The loudness of a toddler can break the will of even the biggest grown up, let alone their opponents. On their turn, a toddler can roll Loudness (1d6 + half level + modifier) opposed by a foe’s Hardheaded defense to Scold them: “Hit’in izzint rite!” If they succeed, the opponent is Stunned until the end of scolder‘s next turn. If the scolder then tries to hit that foe or another, all future scoldings about hitting are -3 and a new subject must be chosen to avoid the hypocritical penalty in future scoldings.
A toddler can attack their wrangler with Loudness as well. If their roll beats an adult’s Will defense, the child will be pulled out of the battle and consoled. The toddler’s level modifier is added to this check, despite it being used against an adult. This reflects the pathetic cuteness a child can wield.
Do not play-test with actual children!
About the author: Digga Dominus is not a parent but gives birth to insightful humor on his blog of geek commentary on entertainment and society DaDominion.com/blog/
But… who would play it?
You’d be surprised!
Any Unaligned or evil charater could put some gold down on a fiesty youth. They could take the role of the wrangler or play as one of the kids.
You could find this in a Barbarian village (once that class is released) or Dragonborn settlement commonly. After killing their parents for the glory of Bahamut, a paladin could take mercy on a particularly tough baby – maybe take it back to the temple to be “raised right”.
I’ve written about how I dislike random encounters as they have been traditionally done. Once fought a Nightmare in the dining hall of an abandoned underground keep … why? Child cock fighting – pre-pubescent Pokemon – that’s random. Your players will never forget this encounter.
Some truly stupid scenes can be described when rolling on random encounter tables… I remember once we had found 3 evil aligned halfling fighters in an hermetically sealed tomb that was locked for thousands of years… No food, bedrolls, or even a presentable bed-pan in sight …