Hat of High Fashion - this magical hat transforms itself into whatever headgear is currently the most fashionable, but only above ten thousand feet.

Talking Stones of Agnar: you can speak at regular volume into one stone, and your voice is transmitted from the other stone over any distance under 10 yards.

Not useless at all if you're trying to get someone else drunk while remaining sober yourself. This actually sounds worth the cost to me.

Madame Penny's Grocery List (Found, no value): A slip of paper that reads "Milk, Eggs, Tobacco, Cabbage, Strawberries." Once a player finds and reads it, they will find the note is impossible for them to dispose of. Every time it is destroyed or thrown away, it will re-materialize in their coin purse after d10 rounds. Any attempts to alter the list will fade away in d6 rounds.

Leather Chaps of Freestuff- these tooled black leather chaps when worn enable the wearer to command free drinks at any bar, tavern or saloon they enter. They must be worn without any pants to work.

This thread really shows how hard it is to make a magic item completely useless.

Counting Beads: these glass beads count to a random prime number over and over again.

The One Fruitcake [Artifact/Relic, 500,000 gp]: Upon acquiring this lump of brown, red and green material, you are immediately compelled to keep it until you can give it away to someone else during the next major holiday season. The One Fruitcake cannot be destroyed by any means that leaves the universe intact. Despite the two words that make up the composite term "fruitcake", it is completely inedible.

Invisible Shawl of Teleportation.

The shawl is invisible to the naked eye, but whenever anyone or anything touches it, it teleports to a random location on the planet.

Ring Slot Ring - This lead ring allows the wearer to use one additional magical ring. This ring occupies one ring slot. The lead in the ring prevents any magical radiation from the ring.

Incense of Hindsight
When burned and inhaled, this incense immediately brings to mind a recent series of events and choices the player made. It then causes them to consider all manner of other options the player might have taken instead, as well as their possible ramifications. Visions granted by the incense, however, tend to be of options that current events make it impossible to reverse and revisit. For example, "Perhaps I shouldn't have gone drinking at the Cock and Bulls Tavern--then Jenny the Streetwalker wouldn't have drugged me and Doug the Thug wouldn't have blackjacked me and I wouldn't be on this ship in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a headache and this handful of Incense of Hindsight."

New Spell!
Reikhardt's Explosive Wombat
Arcane caster spell, only available to people who require spellbooks
Level: Variable
Duration: Instant
Range: 20'
Area of Effect: 25'
Components: V,S,M (see below)
Description:
The caster throws a specially prepared and tattooed wombat at a target no more than 20' away. The wombat then explodes for variable damage depending on what level spell slot was used to memorize the spell against all targets within a 25' radius. Including the caster.

The spell is a mental virus. It has no set level. If someone takes the time to copy the spell down, the effects of the virus take hold. For every spell level the player has, he must memorize one Reikhardt's Explosive Wombat. A 1st level wizard would therefore have to memorize two--one for his 0th level spells, and one for his 1st level spells.

In order to cast Reikhardt's Explosive Wombat, the prospective caster must first obtain one wombat. The wombat must be live. It must remain alive through the preparations and until the execution of the spell. Preparation of the wombat requires the caster to shave the snarling little bugger and then tattoo it with sigils and designs that correspond to the spell level of Reikhardt's Explosive Wombat that it will be used for. The caster must perform both of these tasks himself, and the wombat cannot be magically compelled to hold still or drugged into unconsciousness or the preparations will fail to take hold, although tying it in place is fine. The magic feeds off of the wombat's annoyance, so it must be conscious and non-compliant.

Damage from Reikhardt's Explosive Wombat varies depending on the spell level it was memorized at.

0: 1 point of damage per caster level
1: 1d2 points of damage per caster level
2: 1d3 podpcl
3: 1d4 podpcl
4: 1d6 podpcl
5: 1d8 podpcl
6: 1d10 podpcl
7: 1d12 podpcl
8: 1d20 podpcl
9: 1d100 podpcl

Damage inflicted by this spell is considered to be Wombat damage (as opposed to fire, sonic, acid, etc.).

Clearly the spell isn't entirely useless. At high enough levels, it makes a great last cast for a suicidal mage on a mission. Y'know. Provided you can find, shave, tattoo, and carry a pissed-off wombat to wherever it is you want to die.

Elixir of wakefulness. This brew of rare legumes, the leaf of andropogoneae, the pod of a vampiric orchid and the essence of life given from mother to child will wake they that should be catatonic, and free them of the mauvaisetête infliction.

20GP.