We used to have a thread for this, but I can't find it anymore, so I'm starting a new one.

"JELLO PUDDING POPS" - Bill Cosby

Stolen from another thread, I make to claims to the accuracy of the attribution.


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. –– Thomas P. Gore

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. –– Victor Borge

He was distinguished in his ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong. –– Benjamin Disraeli

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. –– Howard Hughes ( about Clark Gable)

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. –– Mark Twain

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg. –– Jackie Gleason

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its ass. –– Joseph Stilwell

He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. –– Henry James

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. –– Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. –– Robert Louis Stevenson

Nature, not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. –– A. E. Housman

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have –– and I think he's a dirty little beast. –– W. S. Gilbert

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. –– Heinrich Heine

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement... –– Fred Allen

While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter either. –– James Thurber

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? –– Milton Berle

You really have to get to know him to dislike him. –– James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)

"That's great. Now...how do I get down from here?" -Sir Edmund Hillary

My former boss: "Hey, how do you spell beige?"
Me: "How do I spell beige? W-H-I-T-E."

"Where a goat can go, a man can go. Where a man can go, he can drag a gun." - Major General William Phillips

"None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license." - John Milton

"You must consider every man your enemy who speaks ill of your King, and you must treat every Frenchman as if he were the Devil himself." - Lord Horatio Nelson

"Rascals! Do you want to live forever?" - Frederick II the Great

"Ultima Ratio Regum." (Final Argument of Kings.) - Inscription on French cannons, by order of Louis XIV